Chapter 23: Ignorance is Bliss

It was three in the morning and once again sleep proved futile for Justin. He tossed back and forth endlessly, closing his eyes praying sleep would come to him and he almost succeeded until Celeste pressed her body firmly against his. He knew that she hadn’t done so purposely, but the fact that she had placed her sister on the other side of her didn’t go unnoticed by him.

More than once, he was tempted to wrap his arm around her, but decided against it for her sake. Celeste snuggled closer to him, burying her face in the crook of his neck and placing her hand atop his chest. Her breath tickled his skin as her fingers unconsciously trickled down his bare chest. The action made Justin tremble slightly and move away from her until he couldn’t move any farther without falling off the bed. Of course, to his dismay, Celeste followed. Justin growled softly in frustration.

It was the same routine night after night for the past two weeks. He would toss and turn, leaving him wide-awake for the remainder of the night attempting to force out any sexual thoughts that were stimulating his mind as well as his loins. It was too bad that Celeste was obligated to challenging his self-control at every chance by eagerly pursuing him for his companionship. Even his attempt to avoid her had failed.

There were times when he would leave the bedroom to resume his previous sleeping arrangements on the couch and that seemed to work for a while until Celeste’s nightmares had resurfaced. Her terrified screams would awaken him immediately, but Justin had never intended to aid her. In fact, he swore he would never touch her again, but common sense had disappeared when she had run into the living room searching for him hysterically.

Her gaze was panic-stricken as she reached out to him in the darkness. “Justin!”

“Right here.” Against his better judgment, Justin stood up as she rushed into his arms causing the two of them to fall to the hardwood floor in a tangled mess. Thankfully, a pile of blankets broke their fall.

“What’s wrong?” Even as the words left his mouth, he already knew the answer to his question.

Immediately, Celeste did not respond, given that she was rather satisfied with burying her face into Justin’s bare chest to silence her cries.

He did not bother her with any more questions, waiting for her sobs to dissipate before moving them into a more comfortable position. Justin pulled the both of them into an upright position with his back against the base of the couch as he allowed Celeste’s full weight to rest against him.

Celeste released a shaky breath before looking up at him. “Why me?” Justin had asked himself the same question many times in his life. In fact, he had asked himself that question last week when he wondered why he was suddenly so “attracted” to Celeste, but he had brushed his attraction off as physical, stemming from her newfound obsession with form-fitting jeans and tops. However, as she sat before him dressed in one of his old oversized t-shirts he felt differently about the reason for his “attraction” attributing it to his need to be there for her emotionally in times like this.

“I don’t know.” Justin answered after what seemed like hours. He honestly didn’t know why she had continued to have these dreams, but it was obvious that it had something to do with that night he had crashed into her. Whatever was chasing her that night continued to chase her in her dreams.

“I wish it would just go away, just leave me the hell alone!”

Her sudden outburst had alarmed Justin. He had never seen her screaming at the top of her lungs as she was now. Her face contorted with anger as she fisted the little hair he did have in her hands. He dare not interrupt her at a time like this. By now, Celeste had collapsed into his arms as if someone had just turned off the electrical switch inside her.

Justin wanted to find a way to comfort her without being overly sympathetic or heartless but he couldn’t find a middle ground so he opted for silently holding her until her breaths became shallow.

“I’m sorry…” She spoke in a raspy tone once she gained control of her breathing before continuing, “I’m fucked up.”

“Whoa! Did Celeste just say the f-word? I must say I’m rather impressed.” Justin smiled slightly at her and brushed her disheveled hair back from her face.

 “Give me some.” Justin held out his hand approvingly, waiting for her to slap it. Celeste smiled, slapped his hand then reached up to fondle the hair at his nape while absently drawing imaginary lines on his bare chest with her other hand.

“I wish there was some way I could get rid of this or someone that could take it away.” She looked up at him simultaneously with her last words. Me? Why me? That question resurfaced once again in his mind.

Celeste pulled herself into an upright position no longer feeling comfortable lying in his arms.  There was something going in her mind, a battle that was playing out on her face in front of Justin.

“I can’t take your pain away Celeste.” Not the way she thought he could anyway.

“Why?”

“Because…” Was there a plausible reason for why he couldn’t take away her pain?

Justin thought about an answer for a few minutes, but the only answer he could come up with was that he was selfish. So selfish, that he only cared about his own needs and no one else’s. So selfish, that if he did give in to Celeste’s needs he would only be able to erase her pain momentarily and he didn’t want to put her in that predicament; the same predicament that countless women had been in too many times. He didn’t want to expose her to that.

“Justin?” Her voice floated through his frustrated thoughts. She appeared to be pleading, almost begging him to throw caution to the wind.

“Justin?” He blinked coming back to reality at the mention of his name. He glanced down at Celeste who was perched above him with a smile among her flawless features.

“What?” Justin whispered a little too stern for his liking. He hadn’t wanted to be callous to her. It wasn’t her fault that he was a selfish and confused man; she had no control over his feelings.

“What is your problem?” A frown now marred her face as she lifted a questioning hand to rest on his shoulders. Justin shrugged away her touch as if she had some sort of incurable disease.

But of course to his dismay Celeste was relentless in her pursuit for an answer as she had been for the past few weeks. She grabbed his face in both hands demanding he pay her just a little bit of attention.

Justin sighed finally gazing into her eyes. “I’m good Celeste.” He tried to lift himself into an upright position so he wouldn’t be forced to take in the luscious view of her breasts anymore, but she pushed him back down.

“The hell you are Justin. You’re far from good. Look at you you’re sweating. Are you sick?”

Sick of you. Justin wanted to say but opted not to for her sake. “Celeste I’m not sick. Please move and go back to sleep.” He whined with the perfection of a three-year old that would put half-pint to shame.

At his request, Celeste moved away from him and pretended to rearrange her clothes. She would not admit, even to herself that Justin had hurt her feelings.

“Okay, Breathe.” She mumbled, coaching herself back towards confidence. She repeated the same regimen daily for the past month and prided herself at the level of confidence she had attained. At this point, nothing Justin could say or do could bring her down, unless he gave her a reason not to trust him.

Trust was very important to Celeste and for a long time she hadn’t been able to instill her trust in anyone but herself. However, since a few weeks ago, Celeste had been able to instill her trust in Justin. And it had nothing to do with the fact that she had been able to confess to him some of the turmoil that continued to suppress her, but more so because Justin and her were friends now. Or what she had considered as friends given the circumstances.

Cloudy thoughts fled from her mind as Justin attempted to make a silent escape from the bed. She stood as well, interrupting his retreat. “Where are you going?” Her voice wavered.

Can’t a man go where he please in his own damn house? “I need a drink of water.” That was a half-lie, given that he was a little parched, but his intention was to go sleep on the couch. He had to put some much needed space between him and Celeste even if she was only one room away.

Each step he took Celeste was behind him. He stopped suddenly and she crashed into his back. “Shit Celeste. Can I get some space please?” He steadied her balance.

“Sorry.” She muttered, childishly sticking her tongue out at his retreating back.

“I saw that.”

“You did not, liar.” It was too dark for him to have seen her.

“Okay, you got me.” He laughed easily, the previous tension between them minimizing.

Justin smiled sitting at his recently purchased five piece kitchen table and chairs. It had taken a few months, but he had finally collected enough money to replace the table that she had broken.

Celeste reached into the refrigerator and retrieved last night’s leftovers of chicken, mash potatoes, biscuits, and steamed broccoli. “You want some of this?”

To Justin that question had taken on an entirely different meaning. I need to get more sleep. And that was true. Between trying to avoid Celeste and boxing regularly, in which he had become not as good as he used to be, he had lost hours of sleep due to frustration.

“Yeah.” He stood abruptly to prepare their place settings, something he would have never bothered doing in the past.

After she reheated the food, Celeste took a seat across from Justin. She grasped his hand in preparation of grace.

As she recited grace, he listened silently, compelled to open his eyes and watch her as she spoke. However, he didn’t open his eyes until he was sure the passion had subsided from her voice.

She is such a damn tease and she doesn’t even know it. Even as she lifted the spoon to her mouth to savor the buttery taste of the mash potatoes, he had wished that he could wrap his tongue around hers and dissolve all flavors from it as she had done to the spoon.

Thoughts of seduction had led to sweaty palms, shallow breaths, and a racing heartbeat. The next moment moved in lightning speed, Justin was standing from the table with his plate in his hand and discarding the food into its previous container.

“You didn’t even touch your mash potatoes. Aren’t you still hungry?” Celeste stood behind him, too close for comfort.

“No I don’t have a taste for mash potatoes right now.” Justin knew he would not be able to eat or look at mash potatoes the same way ever again.

“Okay, well I’ll help you clean up. I wash and you rinse and dry.” They fell into a routine until all dishes were spotless and set away.

“Good night Celeste.” Justin pushed her back towards the bedroom, but Celeste halted him from pushing her any further when they reached the threshold of the bedroom.

“I’m not sleepy anymore Justin.” She resisted using all her strength to steady her balance against his firm hold on her body. Despite the power Justin possessed over her, when he pushed forward she pushed back against him.

“I don’t want to go to bed.” She repeated firmly, her arms flailing uncontrollably when she lost her footing and stumbled back into Justin.

He caught her by the waist, pulling her body flush against his, only to support her; he told himself.

Convinced that he was physically capable of holding her without it leading toward anything remotely sexual, he didn’t release her immediately as he had planned to do. Instead he found his hand reaching to move her hair from its resting place on her neck so he could place a soft kiss there.

The sensation of the lingering kiss on her neck, which she had recently discovered as one of erogenous zones, had caught Celeste off guard. She writhed against him until he was forced to release her.

Justin slowly released his firm hold on her before he gave in to his “sexual urges” and pushed her against the wall to ravish each and every one of her delectable curves.

She smiled. “Thank you.” She refused to pretend that he didn’t make her feel…brazen, to the point where she almost wanted to turn in his arms and allow him to have his way with her. Celeste frowned at the thought, too bad she hadn’t went with her instincts.

For a moment neither had said anything. The air crackled with silence as they simply stared at one another. Celeste’s heart thudded against her chest when his gaze fell to her lips and his warm breath brushed against his face. She inhaled deeply when a warm feeling flooded her insides. And with that feeling came one of discomfort in the knowledge that she was attracted to Justin, but he didn’t return her feelings.

However, what Celeste didn’t know was that for the past three weeks or more he had tried getting her off his mind-even going to the extent of bedding another woman after one of his fights. But that hadn’t worked. He had spent his time in bed with a woman, who shall rename nameless, thinking about Celeste, which hadn’t been good. Sleeping with one woman while his mind had obviously been filled with fantasies of another was something that had never happened to him before.

So here he was, fighting his attraction for a woman that he didn’t want to become involved with, for the mere fact that Celeste wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection when he wanted out.

Yet, he couldn’t stop the constant pounding in chest whenever he saw her, especially if she wore her infamous fitted blue jeans. He had thought of her often-although he hadn’t wanted to and he reminded himself of that regularly. But she would not get the best of him, he assured himself. They were strictly two people that lived together and nothing more. Even as the thoughts entered his mind he found them hard to believe.

Celeste was the first to speak up. “I liked that,” she said honestly, meeting his gaze.

Justin blinked, confused. “You liked what? The mashed potatoes? Yeah I know. I saw how you licked that spoon.”

Celeste rolled her eyes heavenward and giggled. “No silly. The kiss on my neck. It was nice.” She looked down at her painted toes shyly, for fear of seeing amusement in Justin’s eyes. When she glanced up a few seconds later, amusement was nowhere to be found. In fact, Justin had actually frowned, grimaced at her comment.

“You shouldn’t say things like that Celeste.”

“Why, what did I say wrong?” Puzzled and hurt yet again by one of his reactions, she tucked a loose strand behind her ear.

“You said the kiss on your neck was nice, you can’t go on saying shit like that. You might say that to the wrong guy and-”

“And what? He’ll take advantage of me?” She paused, yet had no desire to hear his response. “Yeah right. Until recently, I couldn’t even get a guy to look at me to even think about taking advantage of me. You know, I hadn’t been kissed before you so if you’re worried about anyone taking advantage of me start with yourself buddy.”

Justin nodded at her sarcastic tone. “You’re right. I-”

“Didn’t ask you speak.” The fact that he had insulted her had taken her confidence to soaring heights. “I probably shouldn’t have mentioned what I was feeling. I should’ve kept it inside, like you do, right? Because that’s best, right?” Again, she didn’t wait for him to answer.

“Oh and just so you know…I was only telling you that the kiss was nice to boost your ego a little, you’ve been almost equivalent to a jackass for a while now.”

“Got any more dirty words Ms. Innocent?” Justin smirked, amused.

Celeste, determined not to show any signs that his attitude offended her, waved his comment away. “Yes there’s plenty more where that came from. I promise you’ll hear them later. Until then, make yourself comfortable on the couch. I know that’s where you were going just to get away from me.” Giving him one last stern look, she turned on the tips of her toes in the direction of the bedroom.

Of course, Justin, not keen on being told where to go with his unpleasant attitude was hot on her heels. “Don’t think you can put me out of my own room!”

“There’s nothing to think about.” She reached over to snatch a pillow from the bed, unaware that she had jerked it from underneath poor Tati’s head. However, Tati only shifted into another comfortable position. “I am putting you out.” Celeste hauled the pillow, aiming for his head; she succeeded when it smacked him dead in the face.

“You obviously don’t want to be near me-”

“Celeste, stop!” Justin caught her hand as she gripped the sheets preparing to yank them from the bed. He knew if she continued, Tati would more than likely end up on the floor.

“What! I know I repulse you with my-” She was waving her hand around to intensify her speech until Justin grasped it in midair and hauled her against his chest. His mouth charged hers and his hands clamped onto her shoulders before traveling to the nape. He swallowed whatever words she wanted to utter with his tongue. Celeste stumbled back into the wall, but refused to break the kiss.

Before when this had happened in the back of alley of Justin’s apartment, she was too caught off guard to fully enjoy it. Not saying that she wasn’t shocked now, but she figured he was going to do something unexpected to shut her up and besides she enjoyed this atmosphere much more. To say the least, she was all over him with excitement until Justin wrenched away from her. Still grasping onto her shoulders, he turned her away from him. “Now mull over that and decide if I’m still repulsed by you.” He retrieved his pillow from the floor and swatted her bottom with it. “I’m going to sleep on the couch as you suggested.” He left the room, not as tense as he had been, and shut the door behind him.

Celeste touched her swollen lips with the tips of her fingers. A smile suddenly appeared as she thought about how she had effectively pushed his buttons. “He did exactly what I wanted him to.”

“Cee Cee!” A small voice cried. Celeste whirled around to investigate.

“Tati? Where are you?” She rushed over, climbing onto the bed. She found Tati on the floor, crying and nursing her elbow. “What happened?”

“I’m not a baby.” She frowned, the tears stopping for the moment. “You pushed me on the floor.” She accused, rubbing her elbow again.

“I’m sorry.” Celeste apologized, although it was Justin who had caused her to drag the sheet from the bed when he pulled her into his arms. Therefore, she fell to the floor.

Celeste smiled again, blissfully, lifting her sister from the floor. “Cee Cee was indulging in some recreational activities.”

Out of the blue, Tati began singing. “Cee Cee and Justin kissin’ in the twree, K-I-S-S, sumthin, sumthin, G.”

Celeste, laughing merrily, shoved her sister lightly and told her to go to sleep. She reached to turn off the light with Tati still whispering the words to her song.