Harder Than It Seems

Chapter 5: What If

They had talked for another hour or so and it was now approaching three a.m. Josh thought back to what happened not to long ago. Did he and Mya really accomplish anything? Of course he had let out some emotions and so had she, but was it enough? Would she be able to continue on with her life after they parted ways without waking up from nightmares of her grandmother, which she confessed kept her up until the wee hours of the morning? Would he be able to continue his life without blaming himself for James’ death or consoling his pain with alcohol?

“I’ll be back.” He was looking for something to make him forget about it all. He didn’t want to remember that he had cried into Mya’s shoulder like a baby. He wanted to wakeup not remembering any of this. Why did he agree to talk to her about it anyway? All it did was cause the both of them more pain.

Josh had returned with two glasses filled with rum. He placed Mya’s glass on table before her and proceeded to take a sip of his until a hand reached out to still him.

“No.” She lowered his hand until the glass sounded against the table. “This will not help us.” Mya wasn’t going to allow him to continue as he had been doing.

“Us?” Did she really understand?

“Yes us. Now promise me you won’t rely on alcohol to solve your problems anymore.”

Josh scoffed at her request. “You sound just like Tiffany.” He didn’t know if he would be able to make that promise.

“Tiffany was right. No Josh­-” She paused when he attempted to reach for the glass again. She knew he wanted to pass out and forget everything, she too had felt that way before talking to him, but life did not work that way.

Mya stood up and followed him out the room. “Everybody hurts.”

He turned to look at her, disbelief in his gaze. “How can you be so fucking understanding about all this? Someone killed your grandmother Mya! They killed her…” His voice lowered to a whisper when he saw her pain-stricken expression.

“Don’t you think I know my grandmother is dead? I woke up everyday for this past week alone, by my damn self. And I’ve faced that there is no one here to help me through this but myself! But I’d be damned if I drink myself to death like you do!” Mya leaned against the wall breathing heavily.

Josh desperately wanted to believe her, but how could he? But if Mya wanted him to try he was going to try, for her.

She held out her hand for him to take it and he did.

~*~*~*~

Josh leaned his elbow on the side of the couch trying to keep himself awake for Mya’s sake.

“Are you listening to anything I’m saying? Or have you even been listening for the past five minutes?” Mya looked up at him while her head was resting on his thigh. Whiskey rested on the other side of her.

“Yeah.” He mumbled placing his hand over her mouth to quiet her.

“I’m not finish.” She managed to move his hand to get a word out, but he placed it back over her mouth.

“Quiet. I’m sleepy.” They had already talked enough for tonight that they could both write a very lengthy novel on one another.

“Well I’m not. I can’t fall asleep.” Mya admitted.

Josh opened his eyes for a brief moment to squint down at her. “Why not?”

“Bad dreams.” She confessed turning over on her side to look directly at him.

He figured that was the case. And when she had turned to him with doe eyes and a pout he knew that he would be attempting to stay awake for at least another hour.

Suddenly, Mya sat up. She eyed the guitar. “Can you play a song for me on the guitar?”

“No.” He wouldn’t even be able to focus on playing a song, not to mention he didn’t have the urge.

Mya continued as if she didn’t hear him turn her down. “I heard you playing a song earlier. What was that called? I wanna hear that one.”

“It’s untitled and it was only the melody nothing special. And it’s not finished.” Josh laced his fingers through her hair. He needed to touch something to keep himself awake.

“You write a lot of songs? Cause I paint.”

No more questions! “No I don’t. I was bored. Go to sleep before I carry you to my room and throw you in that bed.” He was dead serious and not because that’s where he wanted her all along, but because both of them deserved much needed sleep.

“If you want me to sing to you in the morning I will.”

“Nope.” Mya attempted to reach over him for the guitar.

Josh grasped her by her waist and pulled her back, but she poked him in the stomach so he would release her and he did.

“Play it.”

“God you are so demanding.” And sexy. He added silently.

~*~*~*~

Mya rested her head against her raised knees, flipping through the channels while Josh dosed off beside her. Liar! She tossed the remote aside and decided to wake him up.

“Josh wake up.” Mya tapped his head.

“Huh?” He groaned and stretched his arms above his head.

“Mya you’re not tired yet? I already played you the damn song.” Josh yawned. She had enjoyed what he had of the song very much, but the clock was approaching four a.m. His patience was wearing down.

“No I’m not. I told you that already” She feared sleep because once she allowed her eyes to close; all she saw was painful images of her grandmother. Trying not to think of the past, Mya dismissed Josh’s attempt to make her sleepy.

“How can you not be tired? It’s four in the morning sweetheart.” Josh rubbed his eyes. It was so late and he couldn’t remember being so tired.

He was even beginning to see things. For a second he thought Mya was undressing in front of him, and then he realized she was when he saw her fingers reach to undo the buttons on his shirt.

“Mya…what are you doing?” Josh choked out.

“I gotta do something to keep you awake.” He wasn’t expecting her to still be interested in having sex after what they just talked about.

Mya draped the shirt over the chair. Now she was dressed in only a tank top and his boxers.

What is she trying to do? Josh was trying to keep a hold on his composure as she sauntered toward him.

Where is that music coming from? He briefly wondered if it was a figment of his imagination, but realized it wasn’t when Mya held out her hand.

“Dance with me.”

What? Josh cleared the thoughts from his head. Dance? She had wanted to dance all along? And he had been dreaming that she was throwing herself at him, ready to succumb to anything he wanted. Well that explained the saucy movements, but it definitely did not explain the undressing.

“Why do you wanna dance?”

“You sung for me and I want to keep your mind off falling asleep.” She was doing a good job of that already without dancing.

“And it’s hot in here.” So that was why she felt the need to undress.

“Mya I’m not going to dance with you.” Josh rose from the couch and started to walk toward his room. If he went to sleep right away maybe his dreams of her would return and end more pleasantly.

“Oh yes you are.” She pulled him back towards her.

Before he had another chance to protest, his body was pressed firmly against hers.

“Relax.” Mya advised adjusting his hands on her waist.

Relax? How could he relax when she had her half-clothed body so close to his? His body was starting to respond already and she hadn’t even started dancing yet.

Mya placed her hands on his shoulders to guide them. He was surprisingly fluid in his movements.

They swayed easily across the room to the mellow beat. And Josh even managed to keep up with the rhythm of the song, though on the inside he was fighting the urge not to move his hands past her waist and give them both pleasure.

“Okay are we done?” His sleep had subsided, but he didn’t think he could handle dancing with her anymore without having the joy of touching her like he wanted, so he pushed her away.

“No I’m not finished dancing with you yet.” She wanted to dance with him some more because for her dancing was another alternative to painting that allowed her to be free of her problems. Sometimes she would just put on some music and dance around the room when the urge to paint was lost.

“Come on Joshy.” Mya laid her head against his shoulder and looked up at him with pleading eyes.

“Don’t call me that.” Josh groaned when he felt her hands creep up his back. Joshy? As childish as the pet name seemed it sounded overly seductive coming from her.

“Only if you dance the night-well morning away with me.” Mya laughed snuggling against him.

“Mya are you drunk?” There was no way that she could claim to be sober the way she was acting. Maybe the alcohol was still having an influence on the both of them.

“Of course I’m not, silly.” Now she was giggling uncontrollably, which confirmed that she was indeed a tad intoxicated.

When her laughs subsided she turned her attention back to Josh. Placing her arms around his neck she looked deep into his eyes. “Say you love me.”

“Say what?” Was that the song or had he really just heard her request that he tell her he loved her?

“Say it.” All traces of joking had disappeared from her face.

Earlier during their talk they both had agreed that they didn’t believe in love now she was contradicting herself by demanding that he say he loved her.

“I…love you.” Josh choked on his words trying to feign seriousness. He loved some things about her so he guessed it wasn’t a complete lie. Like the way she unconsciously twirled her hair around her finger or bit her bottom lip when she was nervous. And how she wasn’t keen on wearing makeup to make herself look beautiful, using her natural beauty instead. Additionally, he loved the sex appeal she was so oblivious to possessing.

“Aww I knew it.” She smiled in delight.  

For once she was actually happy and Josh was glad that he had made her feel that way despite the fact that her happiness was based on a partial lie.

“I saw this once in a movie.”

What? Josh found himself questioning his own sanity once again when he looked at Mya who appeared to be reminiscing about the movie. This was all based on a damn movie! He was thinking that she may have actually thought he was in love with her.

“A movie?”

“Yeah one of those turner movie classics you know the ones when they suck the air from each other’s face as they kiss and it doesn’t look real.” She smirked and massaged the hair that was cropped at his nape.

“Yeah you’re right. It does look fake.” Josh wrapped his arms around her middle, caught up in the moment. He also wanted her to continue fiddling with his hair.

“There’s no chemistry between the characters at all.” Her voice lowered to a whisper as her eyes closed.

Josh was starting to get anxious. Her eyes closing meant that she was either finally falling asleep or about to pass out from the alcohol. He hoped it wasn’t the latter. Please don’t fall asleep on me either!

As he leaned forward to kiss her, her eyes opened. They were wide with confusion, anxiety. Yet, her mind was clear as if she knew what she wanted from him. So, Josh continued.

He hummed against her lips. Damn, they tasted even better this time. He never knew that was possible. Perhaps, it was because he hadn’t caught her off guard. They were in this together now.

She was touching him. He was touching her.

He was the one intoxicated not her. She was like a sweet sinful drink that he couldn’t get enough of.

He drank from her lips, the skin at the crook of her neck, the dip of her collarbone. At one point he even had to bury his lips in the mass of hair near her temple.

“What are we doing?” He heard Mya utter as her warm breath fanned his neck.

“We’re kissing.” Josh sighed automatically tightening his hold on her.

“No.” They said in unison as Mya forced him to loosen his embrace by stepping away. She didn’t like his answer to her question and he didn’t want her to move away.

Josh watched her march into the room and over to the bed. Now that he didn’t mind so much since that’s where he wanted her. He followed behind.

“I mean…what are we really doing? Because this…” She waved her hand wildly. “I don’t do this.”

“I know sweetheart.” Josh murmured.

“Stop.” Mya warned. “I’m not some two bit tramp that wiggles her way into men’s hotel rooms and shares liquor and kisses with them. I just had a terrible week and I’m very vulnerable.”

“Me too Mya. I’ve had a pretty shitty four years if I should say so myself.” Josh released her hair from the band. Her hair fell past her shoulders framing her face in the darkness of the room.  She looked even more beautiful now with her hair down.

Mya scooted back towards the middle of the bed. She sighed lying down. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

For a brief moment Josh asked himself what he was doing, but he couldn’t come up with an answer. “Me neither hon, me neither.”