Harder Than It Seems

Chapter 4: Don’t Know What to Say

Her head slowly moved down to his meet him halfway…it was too late to say no now. Her eyes fluttered anticipating his kiss, but it never came. When she opened her eyes he was smiling up at her with his hand behind her head reaching into the cabinet.

“I needed to put the sugar back.” He laughed at the look on her face.

“Oh sorry.” She moved her head to the side to give him better access to the cupboard.

Josh watched the expressions vary on her face. He had known that she thought he was gonna to kiss her and he wanted nothing more than to make that a reality. If he saw another signal that gave him a chance, he was definitely going to go for it.

Oh my god! She felt like such an idiot. Why would she think he was gonna kiss her? They barely even knew each other. Maybe she had been wrong to believe that he was attracted to her in the first place and it had seemed as if he was trying to make a move on her all night, but she guess she was wrong about that too.

Mya twirled the strands of her hair around her finger. She found herself wondering about his next move because had yet to move from in front of her and it was driving her crazy.

“Don’t do it.” Josh repeated her words.

“Do what?” Mya asked biting down on her bottom lip in frustration.

“That!” He mimicked her voice again chuckling at her obvious anger.

When he grasped her hand in his and held it above her head, Mya looked down at him as he moved closer toward her.

“I don’t want you to leave a scar on your lip by doing that.” Especially when he was planning to kiss those lips before the night was over. Well the night was over, it was almost two a.m.

Josh stroked the inside of her palm with his forefinger. Even her hands were sexy and he was obsessed with the length of her fingers and softness of her skin. He knew if he was ever so lucky to be granted a back massage he would be in heaven.

“What are you thinking about?” She was tired of watching his gaze, pondering his next move.

“You.” His lips curved into a smile.

“What, about me?” Curiosity won her over even though she probably didn’t want to know the answer to that question.

“How much I wanna kiss you right now.” Josh let one of her hands loose so he could stroke her bottom lip.

Kiss me? Mya pushed his hand away and attempted to slide off the counter, but he wouldn’t allow her. How could he stand there and be so nonchalant about this?

If he wanted to kiss her that bad why didn’t he just do it instead of parading it around in her face? And here she believed that she was acting like the fool, when it was just him trying to make her out to be one.

“Wait…calm down Mya. What happened?” One minute he was lost in her eyes ready to make a move the next she was pushing him away rambling off expletives.

“Move Josh. I thought you were nice because you let me stay here, wear your clothes and use your shower, but obviously I was mistaken because you are an ass.” Her frustration with the situation was clearly evident on her face.

How did I become an ass? Would she have preferred he told her how much he wanted to take her into his room and lock the door? While Josh was left standing there thinking about what he could have done to make her so upset, Mya was gathering up her belongings.

She took another sip of her drink before heading out of the kitchen, whiskey behind her again.

“Wait…” He followed after her once he registered that she was leaving.

“Stop-” Her sentence was cut short because Josh now had her back pressed against the wall. She could feel his heavy breath on her neck as his head was nestled in the crook of her neck.

“Don’t go. I am an ass.” He would admit it because if she knew what kind of thoughts he was having about her she would probably have really left and he wouldn’t have tried to stop her. Who was he kidding? He would have followed her right out that door.

Mya couldn’t actually believe he had admitted to being an ass. She liked that he owned up to the fact that he was in the wrong.

“You smell so good.” Josh placed a kiss on her temple then the tip of her nose. The temptation to kiss her lips was consuming him and he threw caution to the wind, forgetting about signals and everything else. If she liked it or not he was gonna at least get a taste of her lips because his eyes had been on those too among other things.

Mya had watched his gaze drop to her lips as his own descended toward hers. This time when the anticipation arose she was not disappointed. A second later his lips were against hers.

They both released a sigh of breath. Josh wasn’t in a hurry to move the kiss to the next level, but when he felt her responding to the kiss, the tension rose in him causing him to take matters into his own hands.

By now all the belongings that were in her hands had fallen to the floor, leaving her arms free to wrap around his neck. His kiss was good for her on so many levels. It made her feel as though she had no problems in her life.

Josh groaned against her parted lips. Her lips were better than he imagined. Not only were they full, but they were sweet too. The taste of rum and fruit were still very evident on her tongue as he invaded her mouth.

Mya reached up to smooth her fingers over his hair and through his scalp. That was the last thing she registered before she found herself being lifted from the floor.

Josh hoisted her up against the wall, forcing her to wrap her legs around his waist. He continued to devour her mouth as he attempted to get as close as he could to her. His hands roamed the span of her exposed waist leading down to her shapely bottom. His boxers that she donned did little to conceal any part of her he wanted to touch.

Mya suddenly broke off the kiss leaning her head back against the wall and breathing heavily. Josh moved his lips to the crook of her neck and worshipped that area with slow kisses and strokes of his tongue.

Mya cupped his head and brought his lips back to hers.  She couldn’t handle him kissing her neck anymore. Wherever he touched or kissed she would lose control.

Josh was the one to pull away this time. God she was like poison! Because she was contaminating his judgment, but he just couldn’t get enough of her and he wanted more- no needed more.

“Mya…” She silenced him with a finger to his lips. Then she felt it and he knew she felt it when he saw the expression on her face. The bulge in his pants was more than evident.

Mya rested her head against his and he knew what that meant. He allowed her to slide down the length of his body, which made the situation feel more tortuous than it already had.

Josh gave her one more lingering kiss before she walked past him and into the living room.

~*~*~*~

Josh watched her from afar. He had not moved from his spot against the wall and it had been more than fifteen minutes since she had left him standing there. He had briefly contemplated going to take a cold shower then going to her, but dismissed the thought because she probably still wouldn’t talk to him. Although, she had been as much part of the steamy encounter as he had, he should have been the responsible one and not allowed that kiss to overstep the boundaries. At the first taste of her lips he was hooked and responsibility went right out the window.

Now she was crying and it was all his fault; he could try blame it on the fact that they both may have had a little too much to drink, but it wouldn’t make the situation any better for either of them.

He knew what she was thinking about just by looking at her face. Something along the lines that confirmed that he was aroused because if she hadn’t stopped him he would have had her undressed down to nothing by now.

Common sense always came at the wrong time. Josh walked over to her and sat in the chair opposite her so he could be facing her.

Mya didn’t even look up to acknowledge him and he didn’t know if it was because she was upset with him or because she didn’t know he was there. He decided to find out.

“Mya?” Josh reached over to place his hand on her shoulder and she shivered at his touch.

“Yes?” She mumbled through her hands.

“Okay…tell me what’s wrong. Did I do something wrong?” He tried to sound sincere even though he was very uncomfortable.

Mya released a deep sigh then looked up at him with teary eyes, “What just happened?”

Sex or almost sex had made her cry? Josh wondered what had he just got himself into?

“Um we…I had gotten carried away a little.” A little? He was practically having sex with her but with clothes on.

Mya shook her head to dismiss his reasoning. That’s not what she had meant when she asked what had happened. She should have said what did you just do to me? Because at first she was resisting him then in a matter of seconds she was on the verge of falling apart in his arms. He had made her feel…not only different but…she had no words to justify her feelings.

“It has nothing to do with you.” She said biting down on her bottom lip.

Josh didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed or maybe both. Relieved because she had not blamed him for what had transpired between them and disappointed because it had seemed as if she was belittling their encounter.

“I need to tell you something if we…” Mya paused. If we what? What else was she expecting to happen between them?

Josh’s eyes grew curious in anticipation. Maybe all was not lost.

“My grandmother.” She started but then paused again quickly trying to get herself together.

Her grandmother? Who thinks about their grandmother when they are about to have sex?

“One day when I came home I found my grandmother dead and…”

“Aww I’m sorry to hear that baby.” Losing a loved one was never easy for anyone and he knew from firsthand experience, but it was about her right now.

“No you don’t understand you see my grandmother died because someone killed her.” He was the first person to ever know about this besides the police.

“She was on the floor when I found her with a… knife in her side and the phone in her hand. If I had gotten home earlier I would’ve been there. She couldn’t even defend herself…” He could tell she was distraught now.

If she had been there she would’ve been harmed or killed and he wouldn’t have had the pleasure of meeting her tonight.

Josh reached over to smooth her hair back from her face. What could some sick bastard gain from killing an old woman? And the fact that she had witnessed her grandmother lying dead on the floor just made him angrier. Angry at himself because he should have never tried to coax her into sex, now he felt like a fool for taking advantage of her.

“How long ago did this happen?”                                                              

Mya lifted her head from her palms to look at him. “It was a week ago. Today.”

“Only a week? Oh Mya I’m so sorry.” He embraced her in a tight hug meant to console her.

“That’s why I came here. I didn’t know where else to go. I couldn’t stay in that house. And then my room was wrong…” Mya rambled as her tears soaked through the front of Josh’s shirt.

“I’m glad you came here.” He was indeed happy that she decided to leave because he didn’t want to imagine what could’ve happened to her. By now he had moved onto the couch with Mya because her soft cries had transitioned into racking sobs.   

As Josh observed her he couldn’t help but ask himself why this had to happen to her of all people. Why her? She didn’t deserve to have this happen to her at all.

“It’s okay Mya. Where are you parents?” She would be in their arms now instead of his.

“Gone.”

“My mother’s dead and has been since I was three and my father I’ve never met.” Her sobs were beginning to subside.

She had no one but him and Josh knew that he would do anything to help her through this. “It’s okay…I’m here.” If she wanted him he would be there.

“I don’t even know you and you don’t know me.” She mumbled into his chest.

She was right the only thing he knew about her was what she just told him, everything else had sex attached to it in some form or another. “We can get to know each other though.” He really did want to get to know the real her and it wasn’t because he had the pleasure of kissing her or the fact that he reacted to her faster than he ever had with any other woman. He felt it and he knew or at least hoped she felt it too.

“You don’t want to get to know me. I bring too much baggage.” She released a lighthearted laugh, but Josh didn’t find anything humorous about what was said. He knew exactly what she was going through except for that his friend was not killed by the hands of a ruthless individual.

“I bring baggage too honey.” He pulled her head from his chest so he could look her square in the eye. Then he kissed her softly on the cheek. It wasn’t meant to be sensual this time, but to promise that he was a man of his word. He would be here and he would get to know her.

Mya smiled up at him, wiping the tear from her eye, “What kinda baggage do you bring?”

You have no idea. He wanted to say, but opted to just tell her what had happened four dreadful years ago. “I lost someone close to me four years ago. He was my best friend…”

When James had walked out the door he had no idea that, that would be the last time he and his best friend would ever talk again. In fact he was expecting James to come back in about an hour and they could both forget about the damn argument.

The persistent ringing of the door bell had invaded his thoughts. He rose from his seat and went to answer the door.

“Josh!” Tiffany fell into his arms. His stomach sunk along with her body and he knew something terrible had happened.

He pushed her away from him and looked into her face, “What is it? What the hell happened Tiff!” He didn’t mean to sound so angry, but he needed her to tell him what was wrong.

“It’s James. He’s…he’s…”

“Don’t say it please.” His voice dropped to a whisper as he turned away from her and walked out the door. Josh didn’t have to hear her say what he already knew happened.

James was dead; by the look on her face he was sure of it.

When he finally arrived at the police station, he found out that James’ car had veered off the highway bridge and into the lake because there were no guard rails present. The police had yet to find James’ body until two weeks later, blue and pretty much nonexistent from hypothermia.

For two weeks he had mourned his death, stopped working, and basically cut himself off from the world, but he never cried once. Even when he started drinking to console his pain, Tiffany had warned him that he had to let James go, but she didn’t understand. No one understood.

No one understood how James and he were like twins separated at birth. And the only thing different about them were there races. James was black and he was white.

James was like his brother. They had met in preschool when Josh and his family had moved into the neighborhood where James family had lived.

James was his only true friend after that he was only left with bittersweet memories.

He and Tiffany still talked especially around James’ death anniversary; she would call to make sure he wasn’t drowning his sorrows in liquor. And even though he always promised her that he wasn’t going to drink he always had a bottle stashed away somewhere. On that one day he would classify himself as an alcoholic.

“You can’t blame yourself.” Mya cut into his thoughts. He never told her that he blamed himself, but she must’ve seen through his façade to know he had.

“You've gotta let it out.” She also knew that he had been holding in this trauma for four long years.

Mya grasped his hand in hers and used her other hand to cradle his head and rest it on her chest. When she squeezed his hand his weight suddenly relaxed against her and soon tortuous sobs filled the air.